I am leaving tomorrow to return to California. I have been here for a month, a treasured and precious time with my daughter, her sweet husband and my amazing granddaughter. How lucky I am. I am leaving behind two pieces of rose quartz and taking one for me. Rose quartz is a symbol of unconditional love and compassion. We are bonded now and like in the idea of the Russian dolls I shared before, I truly feel that important three way connection as a maternal grandmother.

We went for a final tea and coffee today, a walk to the art gallery, gave Freyja a bath, had another fancy dinner to soothe them (and for them to ask me back, if only for the yummy food and dish washing....I conspire with weaving the nest!). The air was cool, 20 some degrees and all is well. Freyja is an easy baby so far. She sleeps, is happy and peaceful. She burps, spits up, fills her diaper, coos, smiles, stretches and smells so good. All normal and fine. This is truly a relief that Sara has a healthy child. They are in the groove and are going to be the best parents. I am so proud of them. Life has changed, love in its greatest form has visited them for ever now. No going back, a child is a journey that is so rich and so special.

Sara and Ian, I have watched you welcome your child into the world. I have seen the love and the wonder in your eyes. I have seen you take on the mantle of this responsibility with deep love and consciousness. You will do well, you will be marvelous parents.

Freyja, my dearest one, I am so blessed to have been able to wait and be there for you when you arrived. I feel we have bonded with our times together rocking and singing and just being. I do think you recognize my voice, my little snow fairy. I can not wait for more adventures. You have two great parents, me, Bubbles and grandfather Chief who are madly in love with you. You have even more grandparents and an Auntie Anna and Uncle Terry, Aunt Allison and Uncle Brian and your Birthday cousin, Lyrah you have yet to meet and and other family that love you too. What a lucky girl.

Isn't that what it is all about, love, simple and true.

This is today's quote that appeared on my phone as I woke up this morning. This is the first morning that my little Freyja is not with me in the wee hours. The evenings started calming down days ago and I can only guess that last night all was peaceful again so she is with her mommy. It feels as though my time of being here is finishing. And with this sense of completion and preparations for returning home I am greeted with this guidance. It may have been found by Priest Strange in the celestial archives or akashic records.

And out the window once again are snow fairies dancing in the sky. After a few above freezing days I have missed that magic. Sweet blessing for me. It is a reminder of that incredible night when Freyja arrived and the next morning revealed a thick blanket. And after we came home my mantra began singing, "just weave the nest". One of the most important take-aways for me is about patience and perseverance and their magical effect. If only we can just catch those moments when patience and perseverance are needed there would be no need for our difficulties or the appearance of perceived obstacles. But we are human, we do err. We are emotional beings and so many times we are confused. But, with patience and perseverance there is healing.

We do possess all that we need for this life. We are the creators of our lives. Even with all of the influences of our families, our environment, our culture, nature's whims and levelings it is how we decide to be an artist for our own lives that matters. We are given a canvas and materials to paint with, collage with, create with. There are moments, and I know they can be very fleeting and very far in between, when you can recognize that you do have a choice, a direction that you can go. It is then that you become most aware you truly are an active participant in the creation of your life and how you appreciate it. Those that love you can mirror to you what you are painting and guide you in your creations as we truly all have just what we need, right here, right inside. Dig down in those depths, feel it, squish it, touch it, bring it forward.

I am also so grateful for my friends who have read along with me on my little journey. Thank you for the opportunity to write about this creation. When you are an expressive person as I am there is a deep need to get it out, share it and look at it. It helps me. I enjoy feeling connected with those who I care about and at this time those I have shared so much living with. My sweet Wendy, my friend who also has a way with words you have reminded me all along when we were brand new mothers together. I finally made it to grandmother, a distinction you have had for a while now. You reminded me of our lunch out at Stanford Shopping Center so many years ago when we breast fed our babies at the table in the cafe where so many other women dressed as professionals were eating and sharing friendships. It was a bit rebellious and we were young with so much to learn. And now, still, so much to learn.

Tomorrow I will write one more time to my dear daughter and her husband and their daughter, Freyja. Chief is home now and I am sure missing that luscious baby smell, and that darling cooing and stretching. I will be torn in leaving but I do know this is the way, as strange to my motherly and grandmotherly nature as it feels. Priest Strange will travel home with me and help me. I will get back into my life that I do love so much at home. Many loves on this planet, many places to love. I must remember my words, I am the creator of my life. I am the creator of how I can appreciate and be in this life. Oh so fortunate we all are in this time and place and that I can call myself, Bubbles...

When you have a newborn every day has milestones. These include everything because everything is new and the first time. There is the first feeding, the first diaper change, the first car ride home, the first time in the new bassinet, the first smiles and on and on and on and then this weekend was the first walk outside with mom, dad and the grandparents. It was chilly but not too chilly. Baby Freyja was strapped to her mommy's chest with a sling carrier and protected by Sara's coat and then a warm blanket and off we went on another first, another milestone. Doug, rather, Chief and I are so lucky that we can say we were there. We participated in the newness and a few milestones.

.And there will be many more to come. There are so many you could never list them all. We can dream about them. The first time we babysit Freyja so Sara and Ian can go out to dinner; the first time we take her on a swing; oh, the first time we take her camping; the first time she sees a butterfly or a dragonfly; the first time she plays at the beach; the first day at school and all of this excitement is the precious gift for parents to witness life as it unfolds for our children. If you were a parent can you remember some of those precious moments? These milestones represent growth, the passage of time and change. This change and growth is understood with a common experience in our culture, graduations. Graduation is a word with different meanings as a child grows up. We watch them graduate from preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, high school, college and maybe medical school as we have watched Sara and coming up next her graduation from her medical residency here in Maine. Milestones that we as parents have witnessed as we marveled at her growing maturity, wisdom and ability. We are so proud of our daughter. And now Sara and Ian get to witness their special Freyja as she reveals who she is.

Growth and change and milestones. When you are in your 60's you have had many of your own. We create milestones for ourselves. These are growth markers as goals we set. Some are consciously made and some come to us out of the blue. Is an event that just happens a milestone or is it how we respond to it that milestones are created? My first major surgery last August 28. Was that a milestone? Probably not but within it there were definite milestones. There was coming home from the hospital, changing from the walker to the cane, my first walk out on my own, my first walk with my dog on a leash. It was like starting over again in some ways. Sometimes it seemed that it was taking all too long to reach those milestones. I needed patience and endurance. I guess this is how we all feel about these growth markers. There is a force within us that wants to grow. In the case of injury and illness the force wishes to heal and get better and in childhood the force helps us to grow up and to leave the nest of our parents.

The milestone of becoming a grandparent was not a goal I could set but it is an experience we all wish to have. We really don't have the ability to make it happen of course, we can only wish and hope. So not all of us reach milestones that we desire. Maybe it is not fair to call this experience of becoming a grandparent a milestone. We are here witnessing milestones for Freyja as she grows and that is due to a blessed gift given to us not a milestone we have met. Becoming a grandparent is simply a gift. Now on this side of the birth event I see and understand that more intimately. Not all of us receive the same gifts in this life. Many of us are grandparents at various ages but not all of us. Some of us have our children near by and some of us do not. I do get grouchy about this that I do not have, proximity. So, yes Chief as you said to me, we have to make it work. We have to reach out of our skin in ways that sometimes is uncomfortable as the gifts do not always come wrapped as we wish.

We have to look for our gifts. Many times they come in strange packages. So being alert and watchful is important to find our not so obvious gifts given by the unseen and unknowable. Some of us may never receive the gift we want or the way we want it but it comes in a different form. We may not be given a choice. Unless we are willing to accept and shake off our preconceived judgements about these gifts we may not see them fully for the gifts that they are. I am guilty of this in my grouchiness of "I did not want it this way" exclamations. Today I was reminded of this through SoulCollage®. I introduced this amazing process to Malley at Hallowell Clay Works. Magic was there as it usually is with SoulCollage®. The alchemical ingredients mix when a candle is lit, the images are set forth, the scissors and glue stick are used and ones imagination and intuition are engaged.

Please meet Priest Strange...I think he helps us find our strangest gifts and walks with us when we meet our milestones as we age. Priest Strange makes us scratch our head and wonder, "What the Hell?" and Priest Strange makes us laugh when we finally get the joke. Who wants to laugh at a joke we did not intend to hear or say? Life, the universe, the Source, our higher self brings us our very own Priest Strange when we need to "get off it!" as I many times do. Do you? Have you welcomed Priest Strange into your space lately to  help you adjust to the newness or the opposite direction, the unintended, the letting go? Is this a milestone of aging, the adaption and invitation of Priest Strange into our lives so that as the going gets tough, our expectations are not met and our wishes are not fulfilled we can make it through. For me it is the comfort of the known that I enjoy. The discomfort of doing it another way or stretching my skin to places I would rather not, "it was not my choice" requires my Priest Strange, one of the holiest of the holy....

Doug arrived yesterday as an eager grandfather with the fun name of Chief, a natural name for him and one also to make you chuckle. Instant love again. Love at first sight. The tender weight of love sitting in his arms soothed any travel weariness he had. Feels so good that he is here to also soak in this precious moment in time. The weather has warmed to a great degree too. It had been forecast that we would have three days of snow. I was so looking forward to serving up my newly made pea soup as the snow fell and the crisp chill licked our faces. But it was 41 degrees yesterday with no snow and no snow today or tomorrow. Rain is forecast. Our white snow blanket will melt. But we will still have our pea soup. And this leads me to life is complex.

Pea soup is a simple recipe. A combination of dried peas, broth, water, ham hock if you wish, carrots, celery, potatoes, salt, bay leaf all in a pot with a stove flame that cooks until it is thick with flavor. Those of us who love pea soup love its thick creaminess, rich flavor and satisfying nutrition. We love the ingredients of our life. It seems simple on the first glance. You have a few people who get along, enjoy each other, love each other and are a family. You mix them together and a complex soup of different needs, goals, desires, directions can take that simplicity feeling away. It then feels complex. It is not as simple as our soup. It is not as easy to just decide to put this and that together for a satisfying completion. I am speaking in metaphor that is making this concept even more complex, I know. I am trying to say, I love that pea soup in front of me, simple and sure to enjoy. If I put the feelings, needs, directions, personal ambitions, desires, dreams of a family all in one pot then life is complex, not so simple.

I am one who loves my home life. I am one who adored being a mommy with small children. That was my heart life. I loved being Dougie's wife and still do. When you have small children you dream for them to fulfill their lives. You so want to see them reach for their dreams. Doug and I worked so hard to be sure our daughters believed in themselves so they could and would reach high and work hard to accomplish what they wanted in this life. We are so proud that they have done that. But gosh darn it I lost control of the recipe. When they were under my roof I could direct the narrative to a certain degree. I had a say. I always knew I would have an empty nest one day but that was in the future. My empty nest came, I marveled at my daughters and how they grew in such beautiful ways. But wait, I love you my dearest daughters, wait for me. I want to be near you. I want to continue to see you mature, have tea or coffee with you on a regular basis, I want to bring you gifts for your kitchen. But we did too good of a job. You flew, you flew so far from that nest. In other words you both live so fricking far away from me, Maine and Australia! Really, you flew to Maine and Australia so that my arms could barely stretch that far and the tips of my fingers can not touch you without major plane flights, hundreds of dollars and personal life adjustments. Painful distances.

I just want my pea soup. I just want to live near my daughters, near Freyja when I can call up and ask, "Can I take my little granddaughter to the park today?" This distance, California to Maine does not lend it self to such a daily or once a week, at that, activity. Oh, will you come back? Will you find a home near by my nest that I have built following the raising of my children? I have created such a lovely and satisfying life in my post "mommy" life. It is rich and challenging and creative and filled with friends who I truly, truly care about. I feel so very lucky to have this life. I know there are so many other dedicated mothers whose adult children are living in other states, in other countries and even like my daughter, Anna, other hemispheres. I know they cry too. They ache with a heart that wishes life was not so complex. Just give me pea soup please. I want to say, continue to follow your dreams, go where you may, settle where your heart directs you and I do. But when I awake in the wee hours of the morning and I sense how very complex it all is my heart leaks, my eyes weep. Can't it once again be simple, or can't it be like when I thought I was in control? Life is telling me again, I have to let go.

Letting go for a mother that loves so deeply is not so easy. It just is not. I am not going to say leaving at the end of this week to go back to California when I will not wake up to see this precious baby is not going to break my heart. It is. And then I am going to prepare to travel two weeks later to Australia because this year has been so complex I have not seen my precious Anna for way too long. I will be leaving again on a jet plane to the down under when there will not be snow or winter. There will be summer and the beach and the close reminder of the devastating fires. But, I will be with my other precious, my Anna and her darling Aussie husband. I will have a few days with this love of my life and it will be so sweet. But gosh darn again, wish life was not so complex. Wish it was just simple, and creamy and oh so satisfying like a bowl of fresh pea soup. This current bowl is a bit too salty, too many tears....

When we become pregnant with a daughter we are like nested dolls. As our daughter grows in us her eggs for her potential child also form at about 20 weeks. Within our experience of pregnancy we can not feel it but we are becoming a potential ancestral grandmother as well as a new mother. So, as I was pregnant with Sara in 1988 the beginning egg that was to become Freyja was within Sara and me at the same time. Only through the most perfect of circumstances, at the right phase of the moon and position of the stars and the natural selection of egg and sperm with love and intention of Sara and Ian Freyja was conceived  When I first contemplated this ancestral fact a few years ago I was struck with how this is such a profound relationship we all have with our maternal grandmothers. This is true for both the granddaughters and grandsons of a maternal grandmother. A paternal grandmother, the mother of your father is indeed your loving grandmother too but the seed that your father's fertility shared with your egg to create you was much more recently formed within him alone, not within his mother. This begs questions and curious imaginings to explore maternal lineage.

If we believe that we are created with energy and consciousness influenced by our environment is this why the creation of our selves and our cells that make us up are all so unique? There is no one person the same, there can never be. We each have so many factors that shape us. Just think of siblings born of the same parents and yet they are born into different times. How a parent will influence a child in one year will be different than how they will influence another child in another time. This is because of how they grow as people, what events have occurred in their lives that effect how they love and decisions they make. So, a memory of a mother or the growing up environment of a family by one child may be so different than another. And of course this is also influenced by the personality of each sibling. There are so many factors to consider that it is impossible to know how each stroke of the pen and paint of the brush created and molded us into the people we are.

But, it could be with this fact and understanding of energy and consciousness that when that egg within the mother within the grandmother may have been influenced by the habits, the thoughts, the events of the life of the grandmother. This is true for sons and daughters. What was happening to our maternal grandmother at the time the egg which became the basis for us may have encoded into our dna and are a unique deeply personal part of who we have become. This is the very special part of the unique bond of maternal grandmothers. So interesting isn't it? And I do not want to take anything away from the paternal grandmothers whose love for their grandchildren is as Grand and deep and committed. It is just different and the universe made it so. Freyja you are so loved by Gram Gram Leslie, Ian's mother who will also spoil you and influence you into being the woman you will become.

In 1988 when Freyja's egg was created inside her mother inside of me I was already a mother of Anna. She was 6 years old. I was a very different person then than I was when Anna was forming inside of me. Our Anna came into our lives with so many lessons to give us. I had already sat by her bed for weeks not knowing if she would live while she was on a ventilator and her medical team was working to save her very new life. I had sat in another vigil of waiting. She did survive and with the constant worry and hard work of cystic fibrosis she also brought us so much joy as parents. Anna was a powerful little girl with a unique, sassy personality. We were there to weave a nest with tools we never thought we needed to raise a child. That was who I was as a mom at the time of the beginning of Freyja's egg cell. Will this be an influence?

And Sara was carried in the womb of my mother Elayne in 1952. Elayne was already the mother of two boys. She and my father experienced a World War and Great Depression. The 1950's were a decade of hope and promise in California. All of that influenced my mother as she carried the beginnings of Sara and Anna. And I was carried by my grandmother, Cody in 1923. She and my grandfather lived in Chicago at a time of wealth and social position for them. My grandmother came from small means but married into wealth. She was taken care of but had the influences of being a outsider in a complex family run by strong men. And we can imagine so many stories back into ancestral time.

Was the energy and consciousness of our maternal grandmothers influential in the settings in our cells that became us? It begs the question and the imagination as I said. Think about it today. How did the life of your grandmother influence who you are today just because she carried your beginning? And of course with genealogy we can learn so much about so many of our ancestors. Where on the planet did they come from. What hardships and victories did they experience that made them who they were and influenced the decisions they made? We are a complex stew of all of it. All of us are so unique. We have to appreciate the struggles, the imperfections, the earthly events, the planets as they spin in the sky as all of it, all of it, is a part of who we are influencing the generations to come.

Let me introduce you to Freyja's maternal line....
Sara, Robin, Elayne, Cody, Emma

Time is passing as it does. I am to be here for four Wednesdays and this is my third. On this midweek day I signed up for my clay class. Last Wednesday I did not attend as Sara was inpatient and being encouraged to deliver. And lo and behold in due time and with a mother's labor Freyja was born. She is one week old today. This has been a week of telling her how much we love her, rocking her, changing her new born diapers and learning about her. Sara and Ian have been settling in to becoming loving parents. I have been adoring Freyja and all of it and learning to "just weave the nest".

So today I did go to my class only a short walk from Freyja's house. I told Mally that I wanted to do something about weaving the nest. I did not know what that meant in clay but I hoped she would help me and lead me there. Her suggestion was to sit and talk and begin with clay in our hands. And we did. I told her more about what "just weave the nest" means to me. It is about non attachment, not personalizing and simply doing my work. My work being the work of Bubbles, the new grandmother and Robin, Sara's mom. Again, if I keep that mantra singing in my mind it truly keeps me present. As we talked and as I tried to dig deeper into this idea I looked down at what was emerging from the clay, an owl.The owl was looking up at me and I knew I had to focus on her as my project. Instead of creating a woven nest from clay I have the One Who Weaves The Nest. It is Owl Grandmother. Oh to be an Owl Grandmother. Wouldn't that be cool?

So, here she is and now she needs to dry, be fired, glazed and fired again. I hope that I will be able to get her done to take with me. And then too there is Grandmother Moon from the first Wednesday session. I also love her. Remember we were in the full wolf moon at that time? She has been a guardian for all of us during this January winter arrival of our dear Freyja. Thank you spirit grandmothers of the 8 directions for circling us with your protection. Thank you Grandmother Moon for sharing your reflections of light to reveal many mysteries and bring new understandings.

Love and what it does. It makes you wonder, doesn't it, this quality called love. You can see it. You can feel it. It is imprinted and it is nearly impossible for it to loose its grip. When a mother is possessed by love she becomes so much more than her self. She  becomes connected to life itself, to the earth, to the universe and its force to grow, defend, nurture, go on. It causes you to move mountains, to survive with little sleep, to give up so much. You do it gladly. You do it because you must. This force called love is the fuel, the glue, the reason and the meaning to it all.

It is essential to survival. And having reminders of those we love and who loved us around us restores us. We can remember how that love helped us, lifted us and made it possible to make it when we had confusion, sorrow or difficulties. I see Sara's reminders of her Grammy in her house. There is the beautiful white Buddha that used to sit on my mothers self, the mug that is decorated with wisteria mixed in with her hand made ceramics and the white metal salad bowl with mushrooms drawn in black on its outside from the 1970s held on the top shelf waiting for another salad. These things are incorporated into her daily life. And for me, it may be true for her too, each time I see that wisteria mug I think, "oh mom, you meant so much to Sara. Mom, you recognized her and connected in your own special way." Isn't it so lovely to have these things for those thoughts to appear.

They are "just things" but can mean so much to bring that quality of love alive, and to feel and examine what it does. It is a salve that soothes. It is the voice that tells me to "just weave the nest". It is the gentle kindness and sweetness of a tender look when her baby is in her arms and the fierce force of maternal labor. We must honor our mothers and how they too were weaving the nest the best they could and creating the tender foundation for our lives as women. So many things I respect about my mother and so happy for the wisteria mug and oh that 1970s bowl. I have different associations than my daughter does when I view and touch these things. Her love memories are dear to her and unique in her mind. Of the salad bowl, mine are of Woodside, my horses, being a teenager, going to college, coming home to see mom and dad. The Buddha reminds me of the pure sincerity of my mother and her spirituality. She had a very loving and compassionate nature and an extremely intelligent mind. She sought understanding about this life and herself with meditation, study, reading and compassionate action. And it seems the wisteria mug mostly reminds me of mom's later days when she lived in Woodside Terraces in her apartment. I would visit often and take her grocery shopping or other errands or we would sit at her table with tea. Always on that table would be a SF Chronicle, the crossword, notes for her writings, crumbs of toast and maybe a spot of peanut butter that I could see. Other reminders of my mom.

A wave of emotion, eyes full of tears as I think of her love. I remember that when she died, twelve years after my fabulous father passed I realized that the two people that loved, accepted and knew me so very deeply were gone. It was a void that would never be filled again except now by me with what I was to do with it. I reflect now on that void I felt and see so much has filled in due to life and love continuing on. The love I have for my daughters, the memories of my dear parents, the love of my husband and the miraculous experiences of living life have filled it in. I think this is aging, the so much we can remember, the variety of lessons we learned and those that still need to be learned. They are carried always with us.

And now, Freyja, my granddaughter, the adventure of love has begun for you. I hope that you will have memories of me, your Bubbles that are framed with love. I want to be in your life and watch you grow. I want to see who you are and watch the love of Sara and Ian capture your spirit and set it free so you can be you. And the cycle will go on. You too one day will be a grandmother with a babe in your arms. I love you Freyja. I love you so very, very, very much. You have snuggled down into my heart forever and ever more...

Here is my first selfie with Freyja. We are snuggled together in my bed while I write this blog post and her momma and daddy sleep. So precious to write of love and memories with her on my chest and heart. Because times are different my mother never made a selfie....life always changing....

I have a spontaneous mantra in my mind. Has this ever happened to you when there is a part of you that knows what you need to do and gives you a thought, an inspiration, a direction or even a mantra? My mantra arrived yesterday and has been with me constantly. It goes like this, "just weave the nest".

That is all I need to do, "just weave the nest". Last night I made a beef stew, kale and cornbread. There was oatmeal for breakfast. This afternoon I thread the needle of the sewing machine and made three flannel receiving blankets for Freyja. I made similar blankets for my babies and I remember that I loved them the most. They are a little bigger, and warmer and softer and prettier than the ones we can buy. "Just weave the nest", says my mind.

I keep turning to this phrase over and over, all day long. It is so helpful. It softens, gives purpose and creativity. Just weave the nest.....

And it snowed again another 6 inches last night.

I am going to paste here (like sharing on FB) something that was written on FB by a new friend and it is so true. Along the same vein as mantras and regarding the snow and what it requires of you,

"What I learned/relearned/heard/intuited while shoveling today. If you are going to judge yourself, speak badly about yourself, think and feel badly about how you are in the world you will always find willing participants for your personal crucifixion. It's a new year, new world, new moment. Be and love who you are. #%* (let go) of the rest." thank you, Malley.

Any circumstance can inspire you to think a little deeper, find a little wisdom, and reach a little higher.....we just have to put in a little effort when we can...I admit we can not always step up to the plate we put right before us but, the power of a mantra is that it is supposed to help by repeating over and over, hopefully influencing your mind to be more like that thought....in this case, a weaver, a creator, a builder, a nurturer, a mother...

........and if you are a Bubbles,  I am working with my mantra, "just weave the nest"....simple as that.

This morning 0 degrees and warm inside I am having breakfast with Freyja Liv Tucker. Precious moments to remember for always. Hoping I can be the support that I dream to be for Sara and Ian and Freyja for the two more weeks that I am here. How can I leave then? That is not thinking in the present. Now I am here and so loving Freyja. So loving Sara and her falling in love with Freyja. You never ever forget that feeling of bonding, fierce love and mamma bear protective impulse. It is the gift that nature gives to mothers for the hard labor and sacrifice of doing the work of having babies. I know that Ian too is falling madly and deeply in love. What a precious baby, what a precious time.

And today will be a day of less words too as we settle in but I must say to Freyja and Sara, thank you, thank you for inviting me and teaching me lessons I know I need to learn. Every stage of our life presents us with what we need, the lessons we can learn, the lessons we try to learn and the opportunity to step forward when we are able. I am becoming. I am becoming a mother of a daughter who is now a mother. I am becoming her daughter's Bubbles. How grand, how grand. That must be the reason for the name, grandmother. It is so grand, so big, so stupendous that its nature in itself is just simply grand. My prayer to myself is that I can be a grand mother in spite of and with all of me, that which is worthy and that which may not be. We bring our strength and carry our humility. What a task. So much to learn. Breakfast with Freyja begins a new day of joy.

A mother's heart is filled with pieces of memory. I am awake in the very early morning feeling these remembrances. They are effervescent and actively bubbling. I have to take care of my heart as we all do, as my daughter will have to do in new ways. It does begin with our relationships with our own mothers. It is how we were cared for and how we cared for them. It is those precious times when we needed comfort and to be shown the way. Whether we received that comfort or how we were shown love is forever in our hearts. It shapes us, it truly does. And when we enter motherhood ourselves no longer the daughter but now the new mother, that new heart, the heart of being a mother begins to form. It begins with an armature of love in those first very first days. When a mother reviews the fingers and toes, the hair, the color of the eyes and guesses who her baby looks most like. It is in those first stages of falling in love. It is a love beyond all. You begin to recognize that as you fall deeply in love. I saw that glimpse of wonder today in Sara.

I am now a mother of two adult children with a heart that is filled with so many pieces of memory that sometimes the experiences of life can cause them to spill with unfinished emotions. Being present for the birth of our first grandchild and the birth of my daughter becoming a mother has caused me to have many of those collected memories arise. I feel them. I feel so many to be overwhelming. I have had many challenging times as a mother with a child whose life was always threatened.Those broken edge shards are still held together with miracles of hope that I will always carry with me. They are also experiences with tears that wheal in my eyes and can affect my vision.

There are memories of this daughter who has just become a mother. I see her innocence as a young child and her unique nature and character being revealed to me. She was always special as our children are to us. But, no we think this child truly is the most special. Sara was always kind and good and solid and loving and thoughtful and sensitive. Sensitive, that is most important in describing her. She has learned a lot about how to care for her sensitive heart, her open heart, up to now but with the birth of this child her heart is more vulnerable than ever. I cry so many tears that I could not protect her from the treacherous disease that lived in our home, cystic fibrosis. Oh in retrospect I wish I could recapture so many of those moments and hug her deeper and longer. We all carry wounds and I as the mother feel so responsible for those of my children. Did I give what my children, my darling daughters needed most? Did I give them the strength to weather what is to come? Isn't that the worry and concern of mothers who wear their love for their children forever in the beingness of who they are?

I just witnessed what is happening everyday all around the world, the most essential of all experiences, the birth of a child. As a mother of Sara, as the grandmother of this baby it is one of the most profound of moments I will ever know. My heart is telling me this is so as emotions fill me, overwhelm me, make me be needy in so many ways. Needy for these memories, needy for recognition, needy to fill those gaps of what I still wish could have been. Needy to be comfortable with it all as it is, wishing nothing to be changed. Needy to just love and be loved. Needy to spend time with this darling baby I am calling my snow fairy.

After Anna's most profound lung transplant I created this sculpture who represents these feelings of being a mother. We carry our heart that is filled with these pieces, they are our heart. We wear them in our beingness, it is true. Enter the world my darling Sara in all the ways that you are perfect, in all the ways that you care for your heart, in all the ways you are falling in love with your darling, enter the world of being a mother. It will fill you, it will shape you it will be the most profound. And thank you for giving me this special gift of becoming a grandmother, I pray for this little one that her life is full and rich and protected.

She is my snow fairy
Pure and sweet
Dancing on wolf moon beams
She came to be
My heart burst
Blessings sing joyful tunes
She is my snow fairy
Pure and sweet