It is loud and clear, not just a whisper in the ear. The voice rings with truthful noise saying, "You must do your work, your inner work. You must practice looking within, coming to know yourself." This voice has lived with me using it's megaphone poised on my shoulder for as long as I can remember. It has always been as bold and sharp as the caw of the crow or raven. Those black birds with their sounds of warning and telling appearances at mysterious times, have followed me through neighborhoods old and new, calling me from house tops and tree tops as if they knew they were my special feathered sisters reminding me, look within, look within......

As a young girl I would sit up in the well pruned grapefruit tree that grew outside my bedroom window and ponder, Who am I? What is all of this? These were natural questions for me, it was my nature to think this way, just like it was of the roundness and yellow color of the grapefruits ripening around me, while I sat on my private perch. I would take my drawing book and my dolls or my plastic horses there with me. I would settle into the woody crotch of a limb and spend time imagining my life, creating stories, feeling my hurts, feeling alone, wondering about where I came from, looking within and around me for answers. It was the work I had to do. I needed to understand and seek deeply.

I fondly think back to being 9 or 10 feeling my place in that tree, in my retreat when I was confused and felt unloved. And now so many years later I am here in my studio, no longer in that sacred tree. My studio is an annex of our garage built on the edge of a vineyard. Outside the window I can hear the water of the patio fountain as it washes away the silence. When they want to, the crows fly by with the occasional hawk and vulture. Here I can be me and take the time to look within. That voice that is loud and clear resounds here through the window and inside the walls. It is the same voice but it sits on a shoulder of a matured woman now creating my own sculptures and other art works while I ponder and ponder.

I have found many of my own answers and many more questions as I spend time in quiet like in my tree or now in my studio and of them all I think the most important answer is that this is the work we all must do, and simply, it never ends. This is all of our work. In the midst of what ever we are involved in whether our employment, the caring of family, sports activities or exotic vacations we must also spend time looking within. Coming to know ourselves, how we respond to situations, what we feel deep in our hearts, how we are hurt and how we hurt others is what we all need to learn about. It is the most important work. We all must find our way that helps us to look deeply into the darkness of shrouded truths as well as around the bend to the light of dawn breaking. This is how we learn compassion for ourselves and others and come to know what we can give and how we can grow. This is how we find balance and happiness.

For me as I reflect upon the years my way has included praying through creativity to come to know my world and myself more intimately. I recognize that now. As when I was a child playing with my toys, that play was like a prayer to have a deeper understanding. And now as I look at my creative life the things that I have worked on have all been prayers. These are not prayers to anyone but prayers to life, to the universe, to my heart, to foster growth and understanding. Creativity has been a powerful path for me allowing me to express my dreams, feel my wounds and ask my questions.

If you are reading this blog passage that I have written are you thinking of how you look within? Are you thinking about how you have not done that for a while? Do you also realize that this is really our most important work? Are you saying, I have to find that place where I can be quiet, where I can listen deeply, where I can create, where I can ask questions and find answers and more questions? If you are, then you are doing it, you are doing the work.........the work we all must do, keep it up..........

I have amazing good fortune. I still have all of my essential parts. Well, I did loose a tooth last year and now I am having a new tooth made for my implanted screw that sits in my jaw, but that is so nothing. I have my health as such at my age. And this idea of amazing good fortune also sits next to me in my friend Peggy, but she doesn't have all her original parts. Peggy has the heart of another beating in her creating her good fortune. One's good fortune is one's good fortune all so relative, you know.

The other aspect of my good fortune is that I have a collection of friends and acquaintances and even a daughter who shares this good fortune of being propelled in life by another's life giving organ. What makes my good fortune in this realm is that these people are the most grateful, loving people you can ever meet. How lucky I am to be a part of this community without having to go through what they have had to. That is a challenge and ordeal no one would ever wish for or wish upon another. And yet, they are amazing and they inspire me. I have been able to be their friend, supporter, mother and at times caregiver. This is one of the most crazy and most lovely parts of my life.

I learned about transplanted organs, especially lungs, many years ago when it was first discussed as a possible way to save my daughter's life. She was born with cystic fibrosis, a serious and life shortening genetic disease. My life as her mother was intense with the forever cloud of ever worsening disease and eventual loss. We fought the overwhelming lung infections with all that we had as a family. We were involved in our community of other CF families. There, another way I have had great good fortune. Our CF, CFRI community is filled with committed, intelligent, caring, courageous people. I am so, so proud to be a part of that group.

But finally, despite the war on her lung disease the battles lead to a surrender and a new path, keeping Anna going until new lungs could be found. We knew others whose lives had been saved in this way. They were our inspiration and our hope. We also knew others who never had this opportunity. Their lives took on a different turn and a different meaning. When you or your family member have this hope and then are not able to get a chance at new life through organ transplant there is a feeling of great disappointment and loss. Then one must listen and look very deep to find the meaning of the life that ended too soon. So many have been lost and so many more will again. Everyone has their own story and each family must find the way they cope and learn to gain understanding. They are the most courageous ones.

And for us, me and Peggy, our stories include the chapter of successful organ transplantation. Having survived this ordeal as mother and friend to others before, I got to once again support and watch my dear friend Peggy receive this miracle too, only 8 weeks ago. How strange it seemed when I learned that my good friend needed a new heart. How could I know so many organ recipients? My first impulse was to help her in any way that I could. I had a way to give, because I had been there before, I knew how to do this. One needs to have some way to give back when life saving gifts are so generously bestowed by the universe. I also have my great good fortune of good health and all my original parts so that I could do this, I could help to support my friend.

And, Peggy has done so well, not a glitch, not a hint of rejection. And the gifts that are given to me as a result of watching her are so wonderful. I get to be with my dear Peggy who is just simply, the energy of love. She is so, so happy. She is so, so grateful. I am so, so lucky to have her as my friend. There are many others out there who are waiting for organs, there are many out there who have met an untimely demise that gives them and their family this door through which they can make meaning out of a tragic situation. Many need to be better informed about the gift of transplant and what it can do for people, opening hearts, giving hope and new life. Oh what a great good fortune I have to have witnessed this so many times in this life time..........when it works it is truly a miracle.

And for all of those that I know at this time who are on the edge, who wish for this path, may it be yours as well. I wish I could say as I know they do too, may it be so, but that is not the way it works. It is the unfolding of a life in its true meaning and the mysterious revealing of the individual's true story where the great good fortune relative to their own life resides. We do not get to decide on our ending or if we get the same good fortune as another, we get our own. Each story is unique with mystery, disappointments, loss, gains and most of all with meaning. Meaning is revealed to us all when we look deeply finding it in all circumstances. It is that meaning that is truly the great good fortune for all of us because that is what keeps us going and that is what we can share with others enhancing their experience of life as well.

Here is to you recognizing your great good fortune in every circumstance!

more info about signing up to be an organ donor or just to learn more:

www.donatelife.net

At the beginning of the year we attempt to turn the volume down on our mind noise. All those static messages that point us in wrong directions. We always think that this is the time. Now that a new year has started it should also be a new me. We decide how that new me should be. It would be so nice if I was thinner, less neurotic, more energetic, more creative, more thrifty, more appreciative and on and on. But the more means that there was first less or that we were not good enough. That voice inside that keeps us on the path of dissatisfaction makes sure we know that we are not good enough. Well poo on that. If I am not good enough now after 61 years how in this blankety blankety world can I force myself to be good enough with a simple new years resolution? We think we can just turn down the volume control on all of the negative chatter and then we will be fine because then we will turn up the volume on all the affirmations and ways that we can be better and then that noise will make it all ok.

What? Yes, the part of us that says we must be better and get better is the part that really needs the volume control. Did you know that you are fine right now? Did you know that you just need to allow yourself to be called to be you. It is the volume control of the calling that you need to turn up. Now are you really confused? OK, I know it seems like all of those TV clickers on the table and you can not figure out which one you need let alone which button to push. And then you boldly reach for the silver one, you know you were told that was the one that switches this channel to the movies........no that did not work, maybe it is the black one with the tiny tiny symbol that says "net" or the button that says esc....no, it is so confusing eventually you give up and scream "Help! I can not figure out these darn clickers for the life of me!!!!!!!"

Well, I think it is really like that..........at least it is for me. By 61 I have not found the right clicker that will change to the channel that I really really want. Yes on that station I am forever perfection, just like you. I am never aging, never grey, never loosing my hair, I have silky skin, no wrinkles, no muffin top for sure, always cheerful, never disappointed or angry, always lovely, very disciplined, an exercise fiend, say no to all high calorie desserts, loved by everyone and so amazingly intelligent and creative. Yupppp, that is me and I know you too. But the reality of reality creeps in and we all know definitely that is not the real picture. That is the noise where we really need the volume control. Turn it down please. Quiet those expectations to be more perfect. More, more, more we need more.

Callings say you are perfect now in your imperfections, in your aging, your greying hair, you lines that define your face, the softness of your muffin top, the knowing that some like you and others don't (and you feel the same). The volume control for this voice is found in silence when you have  turned down the need for a new years resolution to become better than you are right now. Stop it, stop it, stop shaping and molding and projecting and wishing and conniving to be someone you are not, someone who is better. But if I stop, I will slide down the slippery slope, I will loose all discipline and care for my beauty, I will become an even worse failure than I already am. Are you sure? Is that what you would say to your child? I suspect what you really would say to your child is something like this, "Oh, my darling, just be you, find what calls you to fulfill your potential. You have a place in this world, I can see it in your eyes. When you let yourself be and know you are wonderful like I do then you will know your calling and you will have what it takes, I know you will."

And so my darlings, just be you. Imagine a world where everyone is perfect just like you so want to be. Every woman is slim, athletic, no grey, no wrinkles, no perfections, all men are heros, there are no wants, no needs, all is star light and rainbows. Really? Yuck, yuck, yuck, please for me, keep your imperfections, keep your challenges that give you character and make you interesting and listen to your calling. Turn up that volume control. It can take a little time to refine that sound through listening. In the distance is the ca ca ca calling......you are perfect now, you are you, the most wonderful you......what you need to find out more of is not how to be more perfect but what is it that you have to share, to give to the world. What is it? Ca ca ca ca ca ca calling you is your purpose. And my guess is that when that sound resonates you will find you are happier, less wanting to be more to make those new years resolutions.

Just be you darn it, Just be you. No hesitation, no insecurity, Just be you. All year, everyday and when you do, just be you with all of the stuff you still have not yet figured out or perfected, I suspect you will connect more, find more friends, relax, laugh more, enjoy more and will naturally be healthier. Your behavior will support you to be you not the person you think you are. You know the one who is not good enough, the one that needs new years resolutions. Just do that, be you the wonderful creation of you....the one that is not good enough will become good enough and you will be the winner! Ca Ca Ca callings............