Among the other mixed feelings are the strangeness of leaving my daily life in my own home and not being with Doug and "Jack" for such a "long'' time. But, I am settling in with the creation of this spot with my table and art supplies including the computer. Oh yes, I have been in such a place before. For 9 months I set up a Monday - Friday home apartment in Sunnyvale when we waited for Anna's miracle lungs. I took up residence near by so that I could care for Anna and her fragile life as she took her place on "the List" waiting for the most generous gift of life that anyone could offer. Yes that was a challenge as a mother companion with my daughter on the edge of life. And yet it was filled with incredible circumstances, coincidences, miracles, good fortunes and that life saving gift. And here I am with the most joyous of times waiting for my first grandchild with Sara. What a gift this is, truly a miracle in itself as well.
These moments in my life beg me to examine deeply the feelings, the thoughts, the motivations, the lessons, the what-evers. I seem to gravitate to writing for some of this examination. Perhaps I just like to listen to my thoughts as I see them appear one word at a time on the screen. Oh, is that what it feels like? Ah, yes I think. And as I write more I hope that greater understandings will be presented. When I write I sense that I am slowed down, I am focused, I am sensing the word formations and thought forms in an intimate and personal way. I can hear. I can listen more. Did I just read that the words silent and listen both have the same letters? If you are silent you can listen. Is that what is happening in writing, in deep personal writing?
What do I want to examine more closely? It is my role, that role of mother as it has grown and changed over time. What have a I learned from being a mother? What am I now learning as a mother, as a to be very soon grandmother? In the past few years I have seen my mosaic expressions also change and reflect the growth and development of my being a woman and a mother, the welcoming of age as the grandmother wisdom as well as the becoming of a grandmother to my daughter's children.
Sitting here in front of me balanced on the window ledge as if the central figure of a shrine for contemplation is a mosaic piece I gave to Sara a few years ago. It is a face with tribal markings. Surrounding the face are dish shards of white and gold that give a sense of light being projected or of a lion's mane. There are also rocks that have been painted with simple patterns. There was something that I was trying to express in this piece. Was it the earthy nature of our humanity and need to touch each other in symbolic ways that cause us to connect and understand beyond words? When we examine art it is our impressions, all very individual, that tell us about the teaching a piece may have. For me I see me looking back at me....she says, "Look, look, you are among the most fortunate of the fortunate, you are about to witness the birth of your first grandchild. I am here to remind you that age brings gifts beyond those you have yet to know. I am here to honor all which you have experienced so far." And today will be another step into this life, its mysteries and miraculous blessings to be a mother and a grandmother to be....